Alone

I love being alone. I went to see a musical by myself. I was in the theater and I was literally surrounded by hundreds of people and I was okay, in fact I was more than okay. I was happy. There was a time where I went out with friends and they all left, but I sat at the bar and had two more drinks by myself. I remember going to a restaurant after work once and getting a table for one and enjoying a meal by myself. And of course, I LOVE shopping by myself. In all of those moments, I was content, I was at peace. I have been single or by myself for a while now and I think it has been the best thing that I can do for myself.

If I had the option, I’m sure I could have tons of friends that I interacted with on a daily basis and maybe a significant other but I don’t want it, at least not now. If I’m honest though, some days are really hard and I feel lonely and more than anything, I crave the attention of someone. But relationships, especially these days, seem to require so much effort. They require so much of you giving yourself to the other person with often nothing in return. Some people want all of your energy and all of your time and they want to have a certain level of control in your life. I’m not down for that. I have a thousand things going on in my life at any given time, I am a single mom, and I can’t allow someone to come into my life and try to take over.

For so long, I’ve lived my life working to please someone else. In my personal relationships, in my career, at school, and I have gotten to a point where I am tired. I have exhausted myself and have given so much of myself and at one point, I was emotionally and mentally reduced to nothing. I felt empty and had nothing left in my cup. A year ago I made a decision that was the first step in taking steps to invest in myself. I decided that I would focus on filling my cup instead of filling others. The biggest part of that journey was learning to being alone and being selfish. Sometimes that means ignoring calls and texts and breaking plans. That means finding out what I love and what I like to do, going on dates by myself and spending time doing what I like without the reservations of someone else.

People will try to make you feel some type of way if you’re alone like something is wrong with you, or that no one wants you. It’s okay to be alone. For me, being alone means solidifying who I am within myself so that when I am ready to not be alone, I will invite energy into my life that I want and that is right for me.

“I am confidently lost, I don’t need you to find me….” –Confidently Lost by Sabrina Claudio.